The Process has No Beginning and No End

Experience from the 21-day Process

Vijay Krishnamurthy

In the morning during meditation, I found a churning deep in the pit of my stomach .. the bile juices were flowing, the body was trembling and very tense as if preparing to protect itself. The heart was pounding, the breath ragged, and the body was cold and clammy with sweat. Having invoked the Divine ("Deeksha AmmaBhagavan"), I was passively observing this physical feeling, when I realized I was seeing Fear, the Fear of the process not being completed in the 21 days I am here. I realized that I had felt this way many many times. Yesterday, it was the fear of becoming non-functional, and the day before, it was the fear of something having happened to my parents, my near and dear ones. Three years ago, it was the fear of not finding a job. One could go on and on and on. I realized with a "Wow!" that the content and situations were different, yet the physical feeling was the same, just Fear. Basically, we have this illusion that we are afraid of something, i.e. the illusion is that Fear is caused by the situation. Fear is simply the physical sensation in the body. So I sat happily witnessing the physical feeling of Fear and also the thought of the process not finishing. Not as one responsible for the other, but rather as two entities co-existing in the body and mind at that point in time.

At that moment, there comes an image in my head of an incident from my childhood - I am about 5 years old, I am with my father one evening. We are on our way to visit my mother's uncle and we got lost. We search and search and it is getting dark. My dad sees a house with an open door and inside, he sees a picture of Lord Muruga (the son of Shiva and Parvathi). He instantly knows (by Divine Grace) that this was the house we had been searching for. To the 5-year old me, it is a thing of magic that a picture of God could speak to my father and help him in such a practical manner. I can see now that it left a very deep impression in me, a deep yearning for such a relationship with the Divine. I realized that "I am here today in this special place, discovering my relationship with God because of that incident". I realized that the process started there when I was 5 years old. I was with this image, when the Presence spoke ... "So, now you think that this process started when you were 5 years old due to this one incident. I can show you more and more and more, we could be here for ever and ever, but is it necessary?". The lesson, It was teaching me struck home .. "The Process has no beginning or end". A enormous sense of gratitude came for the Supreme Teacher, so gently and beautiful guiding us through this process.

For functional purposes, this direct teaching began with the seeing of Fear and the thought that I would not make "it" during the process. And what happened was, this fear and the thought told their story. It was like listening to my grandmother and in the end, I found that the feeling of fear had disappeared and the thought of not making "it" had left me! Even as I write this, more facets and angles of this are being revealed to me. I began to recall a story that my grandmother told me. Shiva asked Brahma and Vishnu to find His Beginning and His End. Brahma assumes the form of a swan and soars up into the heavens in search of a beginning. Vishnu takes on the form of a boar and dwelves deep into the earth in search of the End. After a long and exhausting search, They both come back and Humbly prostrate in front of Shiva with the realization that the Presence has no beginning or end. As I am recalling this story, I realize that this is how the Presence feels and experiences .. for Brahma, Vishniu, and Shiva are all aspects of the Presence. The Divine knows and feels that It has no Beginning or End. Then, the Presence speaks again, "What are you feeling right now with the process called You?". I respond saying "I am experiencing that there is no beginning or end". The Presence then replies "See, you are experiencing an Aspect of Me" and I realize what Bhagavan meant in one of his Darshans. In response to a question on whether one could become God, He responded by saying, "you cannot become God, but you can experience God-Consciousness". I feel most blessed to be awakened to the reality that we are all experiencing God in one way or the other every moment of our lives!

With deep Gratitude
Vijay Krishnamurthy